I love the concept of "first draft language" and wish more writers would embrace it to help get through their first drafts. Then, in the revision process, after the story is solid, and all scenes have been vetted for purpose, the sentence-level polishing is when to apply these techniques. Such great examples and tips for writing non-boring sentences!
I love the creative use of words and metaphors you noted. My examples of thrilling sentences employ unique word choices too, but it's their amalgamation of words that create a wonder on the printed page that truly inspires me. Here's one of my favorite examples taken from a New Yorker piece written by Calvin Trillin in the Dec. 20, 2021 edition, in which he talks about the use of journalistic "ledes." I'm not sure which part I enjoy more, the article's lede about the camel or Trillin's closing metaphorical description of the lede.
"You might say that I’m a collector of ledes. I assume that’s why my friend James Edmunds, who lives in New Iberia, Louisiana, sent me an article that appeared in the Advocate of Baton Rouge on September 23, 2019. If the function of a lede is to engage the reader, this article’s lede seemed to me remarkably effective. Here it is:
A veterinarian prescribed antibiotics Monday for a camel that lives behind an Iberville Parish truck stop after a Florida woman told law officers she bit the 600 pound animal’s genitalia after it sat on her when she and her husband entered its enclosure to retrieve their deaf dog.
Notice how the reader is drawn in with a single unpunctuated sentence that starts slowly and gradually becomes an express train that whistles right by the local stops without providing an opportunity to get off."
I love the concept of "first draft language" and wish more writers would embrace it to help get through their first drafts. Then, in the revision process, after the story is solid, and all scenes have been vetted for purpose, the sentence-level polishing is when to apply these techniques. Such great examples and tips for writing non-boring sentences!
Neat exercise! I like "cackled and sang like a dolphin"
I love the creative use of words and metaphors you noted. My examples of thrilling sentences employ unique word choices too, but it's their amalgamation of words that create a wonder on the printed page that truly inspires me. Here's one of my favorite examples taken from a New Yorker piece written by Calvin Trillin in the Dec. 20, 2021 edition, in which he talks about the use of journalistic "ledes." I'm not sure which part I enjoy more, the article's lede about the camel or Trillin's closing metaphorical description of the lede.
"You might say that I’m a collector of ledes. I assume that’s why my friend James Edmunds, who lives in New Iberia, Louisiana, sent me an article that appeared in the Advocate of Baton Rouge on September 23, 2019. If the function of a lede is to engage the reader, this article’s lede seemed to me remarkably effective. Here it is:
A veterinarian prescribed antibiotics Monday for a camel that lives behind an Iberville Parish truck stop after a Florida woman told law officers she bit the 600 pound animal’s genitalia after it sat on her when she and her husband entered its enclosure to retrieve their deaf dog.
Notice how the reader is drawn in with a single unpunctuated sentence that starts slowly and gradually becomes an express train that whistles right by the local stops without providing an opportunity to get off."
And...subbed for more of this. Keep it coming, Lisa!